BOTTLES CLINK Morning, lass.
Don't you "good morning" me dressed like that!
What on earth are you doing out here dressed like that?
I'm mending me trousers. It's your ways you want to mend.
You can't stand outside people's houses dressed like that.
I've heard of garden gnomes, but this is ridiculous! What's wrong with being dressed like this?
What's wrong? In your unmentionables, in broad daylight?
They're not fit for pitch dark!
There's more material in these than in some people's overcoats.
It's just like a track suit. A track suit?
You don't look like a sportsman to me -
more like the phantom of the opera.
Why don't you darn your pants inside?
Because they've cut me electricity off and it's too dark down there.
Oh, here. Give it here.
Oh, tha's a great lass
and, on behalf of my long johns, I give thee a kiss.
Ah-ha!
Feeling musical this morning, Howard? It's her idea.
I asked why he keeps sneaking off to her with the false head-lashes.
They're EYELASHES. Not the length SHE wears them!
I hope you faced up to such a challenging question in the finest tradition of masculine panic.
I'll tell you what he said. "A man," he said, "is entitled to some music in his life."
Well, now he's got it.
Oh, no!
HE CHORTLES Oh! Oh!
Eh-up, my lovely-looking... Sit down.
What did I say? I dunno, but don't say it again.
What do you want? Three teas, please.
For two of you? Ah, well, he's on his way.
Oh, goody - another one(!)
What's wrong with that one?
Nothing.
Delicious! Hmm!
A very good morning to you, Ivy. Sit down!
What's wrong with Ivy? None of your business!
DOOR SLAMS
It's none of our business. A fine way to be greeted, I must say(!)
Don't get her upset. She makes you eat a bun. Do you come here often?
Every day.
Good lord! Is she like this always? No.
Sometimes she's in a bad mood.
BIRDS TWITTER
Why's she in a bad mood?
Because she's lost the catering for the barrel rolling this year. Is it that time of year already?!
Well! Howard's taking up the double bass.
They've started rehearsing for the barrel rolling.
I saw Dougie Cunliffe and his team. It's a huge instrument.
He could hardly get it through the door. The organisers might have said something. It's for charity.
They know I give my time to charity. Why should they come to thee?
Well, if they're approaching knot-heads like Dougie Cunliffe!
And we've got the experience. We entered before.
That were 30 year ago!
It can't be that long.
Anyway, there was Howard struggling with this double bass...
It were - it were 30 year ago. Well, I don't care.
I should have been approached, with a record like mine in these events.
It's really got you going, hasn't it?
You're really fascinated by this story of Howard and his double bass.
Hanging on my every word(!)
Rolling down a hill in a barrel is a young man's game.
Any road, what makes tha think they should come to thee?
I'm damned if I think I'm past it, even if they do. I am. Nonsense!
In case anybody's listening, I'M past it.
It's all in the mind. I'd like to show these people a thing or two.
Youth isn't everything, you know.
What about experience and skill and maturity? And deafness.
You what? We're not fit.
Somehow, I don't think you should have said that.
COMPO COUGHS
C...C...
Can you...? HE COUGHS
Can you let us have...?
Well, come on - the suspense is killing me!
They'll have three pints, love, and I'll make it four. Ah!
HE GROANS
What's the matter with them? They're training for the barrel rolling.
At their age?!
Madam, I'll have you know there is nothing wrong with our age.
I love him, in the smoky-grey track suit.
I told you you should have borrowed a track suit. Clegg borrowed one.
He borrowed it from Howard.
He lives next door to somebody with a track suit.
I live next door to Nora Batty.
Do you think SHE'S got a track suit?
I dunno, though. Some of her undies look like a track suit.
Still, I didn't think you'd come in to the pub without your clothes on.
Oh, shut up! SHUT UP!
Drink your beer.
Norman -
what are you doing? I hate wearing Howard's track suit.
Suppose it starts pulling me towards Marina.
If it takes me to Marina, I shall die!
You were all doing a good impression of dying, any road. It's early days.
You know, they're just a bit out of trim. Ha-ha-ha!
Listen, even when I was IN trim, I was out of trim.
Don't despair. How fit do you have to be to roll downhill in a barrel?
Rolling UPHILL would be the hard work, wouldn't it? Wesley...
..which hill are they using this year?
Did it use to be this steep?
You could fall out of an aeroplane without it being as steep as that.
I've had a few quotes for Nora Batty, but never that steep. No - it's just the angle.
From the bottom, it wouldn't look half as steep. From the bottom, it ISN'T half as steep.
It's a young man's game.
I wish people'd stop saying that.
Once we've done it a few times, it won't seem half as fearsome.
I bet it does. I bet it does!
A bloke would have to be crackers! Exactly.
And I don't see why we should have to do it, just cos we're qualified.
There's an old oil drum on t' back. If we roll it down empty, you'll get some idea of what you're in for.
I don't need any more idea of what I'm in for.
I've got a fair idea of what I'm in for.
What we ought to do is get an old oil drum and send it down empty,
you see, just to see how it rolls.
That will allow me to calculate its natural path and work out our best approach.
No - not there.
Here.
Why there? What's the difference?
I don't know. Some instinct tells me we ought to start from here.
Call it a...warrior's intuition.
Now, when I give the word,
let her go.
Right?
Let her go!
I can't look!
Tha won't have to. Tha'll be inside.
Barrel rolling? Mmm.
Well, I should have thought barrel DRINKING was more in their line.
They're too old for barrel rolling. Well, they borrowed Howard's track suit to get some training.
Your Howard has a track suit?
Oh, he's very sporty, is Howard.
If I don't watch him.
I wouldn't let my Barry go barrel rolling. I don't think there's much danger of him volunteering.
I don't know. You know what they're like. They all have secret dreams.
And not so secret.
It's quite true.
When he was younger, Wesley wanted to buy an old train engine.
Me father?! Yes, your father.
A whole engine? Whatever for?
So that he could take it apart and then put it together again.
Couldn't you buy him a watch?
Oh, they do the daftest things!
He'd lay there at night dreaming about the inside of an engine.
He would have had bits all over the house.
Mmm. I'm glad Barry likes tropical fish.
Oh? Whose idea was that, then?
Well, I knew he'd like tropical fish.
Good girl! Yes.
Well, don't be surprised if you come in one day
and he's got them up on a ramp and he's fiddling with their suspension.
Oh...
Cakes?
I can't tell you how glad I am you've put some clothes on over that track suit.
You see some startling things in the pub trade,
but I shall long remember that smoky-grey track suit.
Flatterer!
Who's paying?
Why me? Have I got to do everything?
I'm doing all the planning. COINS JINGLE
Two...
Free with his money, isn't he? We have to tie him down, sometimes.
He's one of the financial powers behind the Channel Tunnel.
Gives you some idea of how things are going.
Thank you.
I'd better not drink that. I'm driving. You might have said something before I paid for four.
Don't worry - I'll take care of it.
Oh, I don't like him when he's planning.
I hate it when he's planning things in his head, never mind on paper.
I've got it all worked out in military detail.
Let's see if it looks any better after a couple of pints.
Aaagh! Definitely not.
It's gonna be fine.
Just fine.
Well? Why tropical fish? Because Barry's got some and he stays home at night.
When you're bored with them, you can practise your double bass.
Are you sure I'm going to like tropical fish? If you know what's good for you, you will.
I've watched them for 40 minutes and nothing's happened yet.
What do you think will happen? You said I'd like watching tropical fish.
You said everybody likes tropical fish. They have them in doctors' surgeries. They're relaxing.
But they don't DO anything. They just swim round.
What do you want - bicycle races?
I don't see how this is supposed to make me want to stay at home.
Watch the fish, Howard. I'll be asking you questions on them later.
RANDOM BANGING
BANGING
POSH ACCENT: What are you doing in there, Wesley?
You what?
I can never understand you when you talk posh for t' neighbours.
Why were you making all that noise? They've come for a fitting. What?
Who's come for a fitting?
Maybe I should've let him have the railway engine.
Can't see!
Follow the pavement. You can see your feet - follow the pavement.
Isn't that better? Didn't I tell you? Foggy always knows!
Oi! Get out of it! Go on!
Phew!
All right.
All right - back to Wesley's. I have the solution.
You see the problem. We can wear them but we can't see out of them.
I see your problem. But I'm not putting you any windows in.
We don't want windows - just eye holes. Do what? Eye holes.
My feelings exactly! Don't take any notice of the other ranks, Wesley.
Get your drill out. Eye holes won't seriously weaken them, will they?
How's it going, Norm? I hate barrel rolling.
And we haven't even rolled in a barrel yet.
Cheer up. I've solved the problem.
How do, lads.
Aaaagh!
When I said I'd practise, I never said a word about indoors.
Couldn't you start with something like a mouth organ?
Don't you feel conspicuous?
Why should I feel conspicuous?
I'm just a bloke out with his musical instrument
who happens to be going the same way as a certain lady.
A flute would have been nice.
Even a banjo, Howard.
Find us a nice, gentle slope, Wesley.
We'll build our confidence on the nursery slopes. What confidence?
Tha calls this a nursery slope?!
Yes, well, it's not TOO bad.
It's a long way down.
Well, you want a decent sort of trial run, don't you?
It's no good rolling just a few feet.
Right, then. On my word of command, lie down.
THEY GROAN
Oh!
Right, then, let's concentrate.
Let's have a bit of style about it.
On my command...go!
Ow! Ooh!
Oooh! Agh!
Oh!
All right, don't say anything.
Don't you say anything. We need some padding, I know.
I was expecting that and I agree.
We want some padding.
You wanted padding - now you've got padding.
PPHHTTTHHHHHT!
PHTHT! PHTHT! PHTHT!
Right, then. Are we ready?
They're never going down there at their age!
When I pull these chocks away, they are whether they like it or not.
They'll be all right, especially that scruffy one there.
It's scruffy ones like him that never come to any harm.
Should they be barrel rolling at their age?
Well, why not? I've found they won't watch fish.
They're going to be dizzy. Who's going to notice the difference?
I could have sworn I heard a double bass.
Out here? What would anybody be doing with a double bass out here?
I wish you hadn't said that.
FOGGY: Let's get on with it.
Chocks...away!
Typical!
Look, don't stand there watching three old idiots stuck in a barrel.
Give 'em a push.
She's all heart, your mother. She wouldn't let father have a railway engine. Does he want a tank of fish?
Ow! Oh!
Steady on!
Ow! Oof!
HE PLAYS NOTES RANDOMLY
What you need is some rhythm, Howard.
Well, I'm not likely to find any out here!
RUMBLING
I thought I heard a drum.
How can you hear a drum out here?
I must be hearing things.
Play it again, Howard.
It's incredible, Howard. You sound like you're playing drums as well.
RUMBLING
I did. I heard a bass fiddle.
I hope he's all right.
Oh! Nora!
Are you all right?
Oh, Nora! Let me look tha straight in the knees when tha says that.
PHTHHT!
Oh...!
Subtitles by Janet Zimmermann BBC Broadcast - 2004